My dinner kind of looks like diarrhoea, but I don’t give a fuck. TASTY!!

Pumpkin, lentil and root vegetable curry with cous cous.

You, too, can have dinner that looks like a bowel movement. Here’s how!!

What you’ll need:

2 tablespoons oil (I use olive oil, use whatever)
1 large chopped onion
2 garlic gloves (I usually grate that shit)
500 grams potatoes chopped up into cubes
400 grams pumpkin chopped up into cubes
300 grams sweet potato chopped up into cubes
3 carrots sliced thickly
2 tablespoons curry powder (or some of that fancy paste shit, if you’re so inclined)
1 litre vegetable stock (I use that shit that comes in a can then add hot water)
420 gram tin of lentils (I buy the cheapest in the store…)
Salt and pepper
Natural yoghurt (for serving)
Cous cous (or whatever other accompaniment you want… rice… papadums… naan bread…)

What to do:
1. Put on an exceptionally good playlist. Make sure there’s some Turbonegro, L7, The Hives, Danko Jones and some Cramps in there, please.
2. Peel everything and cut that shit up.
3. Heat the oil in a large saucepan (like, fucking huge)
4. Add the onion and garlic and cook for a few minutes until soft
5. Add the other vegetables and stir them around for about 7 minutes. This is really boring, but it’s a good work out for your arm. Bonus!
6. Stir in the curry powder! It should have the “oh great, I just rolled my vegetables in dirt” look.
7. Add the stock and bring to the boil.
8. Stir in the lentils.
9. Here’s the fun part! Simmer for approximately 25 minutes. If you want extra fun, turn it up higher so it boils and spits out over the edge all over your cook top. This will extend cleaning time! Awww yeah!!!!!
10. Dance like a tool around your kitchen, go outside for a few drinks, have a smoke, do whatever, I don’t really care.
11. When there’s a few minutes left cook your cous cous. The food so nice they named it twice… if you’re eating rice you’ll need to do that shit earlier. That shit takes forever to cook.
12. When the bell rings season that shit with some salt and pepper and stir it through.
13. Put it on a plate with some of that cous cous, if you’re like me you’ll forget about the yoghurt until it’s almost too late. BUT PUT THAT SHIT ON THE PLATE TOO.
14. If you’re a spinster like me, eat the leftovers for the next 5 days. BOOYAH!!